Title: I am not a good man
[the ideal writing tool in the world would be a MacBook Air that I can carry around everywhere and OmniWriter program which is absolutely fantastic for distraction-free writing.]
Quarter-life crisis? Which is even worse is that I am past the classic quarter – 25 years old. And I am also past what used to be my half-life 25 out of 50 years old.
I am not a good man. I have not accomplished enough. I look at others and am envious of what they have done and experienced. I rue that I did not make good enough choices, perhaps there were better ways that could have been, and I may not have been wise enough to see. I wish sometimes that I had someone to guide me, and advice me. I wish sometimes too that I did it all by myself, that I made my choices, that I lived my choices, that I, lived my life. Today I listened to part of Tom Hanks’ class ceremony speech at Yale College. It was sweet, lovely, inspiring, not at all stiff. I wonder did he write it all himself. But anyway, it’s quite a feeling to be graduating and know that opportunities are out there and also believe in yourself. It’s been two years since I graduated. Wow that’s really fast. It’s quite time to move on. It’s quite time I built more of a life and career and set off on a path. Or have I always been. Have I already been. It’s interesting. Sometimes I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder. Sometimes I’m that very very much afraid of myself. Of my future. Of my nonexistent pathetic credentials. Yeah I worry about that. Yes I also try to enjoy myself and have fun. [Okay great, turn off the cabin lights suddenly. Thank goodness for backlit keyboards and I’m so good at touch-typing that I’m so lousy at handwriting. Always try to buy a laptop with backlit keys unless you are uber at typing.] Anyways, where was I? Worry. Worry about what I am going to do. Blog! Haha. I could, why not. It’ll actually probably be fun. I will have to be more strict with my writing though. I would enjoy that. But of course there is always the classic fear of instability and insecurity. What to do? There are gambles and there are gambles and nobody got anywhere special by being safe. [I did an SIA survey on the plane and all I got was a pack of playing cards. WTH. something they normally give for free?] I am not a good man, I find it really difficult to believe. That’s the truth and I will not lie about it. I cannot lie to myself, to my heart, to what I think is true. I admit that sometimes I am loathe to admit my failures, my incompetence, my lack of knowledge. I feel shy and bashful and I also want to appear to be good. I will admit that, as I avoid doing. I wish I were more intelligent. I wish this writing did not have so many ‘I’s, but it has. I think that they teach you not to write with the ‘I’, but this is a blog and this is about ME, and it is I. I dream that I want to change the world, but that will not happen unless I do some action. I should start small and accomplish something, at least. I should put my mind and heart and time into it, and do something. I should take it seriously and believe in it with my left right ventricles and atria. <-that bit there kinda means my brain is too fast for my fingers. I want to do a website but my valiant attempts at Ruby / RoR are not progressing well. I so need to think properly instead of jumping into the deep end. I shall appropriate some of the blame to the half-tutorial that I attempted to follow even though I don’t have a firm enough grasp of the basics. Darn. 🙂 Hello. I like this font. I hope my blog has a nice font too. It makes the smiley look of the correct proportion. Hello. Good, you are still there. I want to say that I am not perfect. I want to say that I really suck at doing up UI coz I’m just not cut out to be an graphics artist or designer. My brain that is. I think it’s better at crafting equations and text. I want to say that this whole passage is incoherent and I am typing this because there is no internet on the plane and there’s no space to use my mouse and it’s pretty difficult and slow to use Photoshop on the plane without a mouse. The internet is to copy code from tutorials. I want to say that there are many things in my life that I regret, well, just in case that my plane falls out of the sky which is rather unlikely to happen. 🙂 Anyway if you’re reading this I am alive right, or else it’s been months and years and someone has managed to find this laptop and figure out my password, which isn’t a very long nor complicated password. I wish to say that having a power supply on the plane is fantastic. Rubymine software has a power-saving mode for planes where some of the error checking and prompting function is disabled. It actually runs slow on my MBP, pretty amazing that it taxes my laptop. I want to say that I love tea very much, I love france, I love macarons. I’m going crazy. I think I have too much caffeine today and I am so restless and also suffering from a lack of sleep and I so totally am lost about WORK. Crap. Because I am supposed to be rushing something this week but I totally absolutely cannot take my mind of website coding. That’s terrible. Well, you know you love something when you obsess over it. Isn’t that? I mean, people can come up with all sorts of fantastic reasons as to why they like that girl or thing or car or bike or job. Or pretend that they do. Reasons reasons reasons. All attempts to explain what they feel. Sometimes inaccurately. Approximations. You only really know you love something when you cannot put it down. And that’s like following your heart. Follow. Perhaps your heart doesn’t know any more than you do. Perhaps it does. Perhaps it’s the essence of all your emotions and thoughts and memories and instincts distilled into one incomprehensible feeling that you should perhaps do something. It’s difficult to explain. Isn’t it like a religious feeling? Something you feel, that is difficult to explain. Do you believe in yourself? Am I a selfish person? I try not to be. I sometimes am, so. I try not to be. As far as I can. I hate it. I wish I were a nice person, who is patient, wise, kind, nice, fun. Anyway, question, do you have problems wondering whether an online person selling something is reliable or not? I mean, like individual personal selling, not web shop company. Hm. Do you wish that you would like to know their past transactions, history, records, comments, feedback? Do you believe that you would use such a service? Do you believe that you would want to leave feedback for someone? Do you believe that you would respond to someone who requests for feedback? Maybe this is the wrong way to go about doing this. I hope not. I wonder.
Title: I am not a good man