i wouldn’t know what to do without it

I’ve lived with god for so long, I wouldn’t know what to do without it. All my life it has been something that people talked about – it’s somebody’s religion; it’s somebody’s life; it’s something our religiously tolerant society must tolerate (as much as I detest that word, and the entire sad regrettable but real, but real reality of it); it’s something I did not have; it’s something that did not bother me; it’s something that I did not believe in. In all near-26 years of my life, there has been god. It existed in my vocabulary based on the definitions above, it existed in my mind as a human-vocabulary and human-construct that I learnt. Just as I can know about nothing, just as I can know about the impossible (how the impossible is impossible, how the impossible is possible), just as I can come to know about homosexuality, just as I can know about the non-existence of non-existence, just as I can know about higher-order dimensions I cannot see, just as I can know about sub-atomic particles, just as I can know about the unobservableness of wave-particle duality, just as I can know about the unobserveableness of schroedinger’s cat, I can know about god. In all life, we fight against death, this death that we have never experienced, this death which must arrive, in forms we try to imagine. In, not all, but part of my life, I fought against god, this god that I have never experienced. Even though the wedding was nice and beautiful, even though love is great and true, even though songs and music are beautiful, I did not feel, nor believe. Day after day, people tell me I’m stupid for not believing, in various things. But we always live in our own reality – what I see and feel and hear and smell and think and believe might not be the same. What goes on behind these dark brown eyes of mine, behind those eyes of yours, might not be the same. Maybe the lord god he knows, maybe the prophet he knows, maybe your dearest husband he knows, maybe the most innocent child he knows, maybe the electrons they know, maybe they know – I cannot believe.

i wouldn’t know what to do without it

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